Attention, this is a public service announcement. I know several people in this situation just as I know several in the situation of not being able to share in their child’s lives with the other parent. Just as an FYI…. I use the word douche in this post. It was the NICEST word that I could think of… apologies if the word itself offends you. Even so, once you get to the end, I think you will agree with my choice of words and see where I could have went… I kept it PG13 with douche.
*If you are a child that missed out on opportunities with your other parent because your custodial parent had a vendetta (I know some of you as well), tell your side! If you are a parent raising a child/children solo because the other parent unexpectedly left the story (death, alien kidnapping, death serving our country, etc.) (know some of you as well) weigh in as well. And sorry, it is a long one, but it is for the kids, so….. here goes.
Children are NOT pawns for your pleasure and enjoyment to torture their other biological parent. They should not be subject of your vendetta against the other person. You should be grown up and be civil to the other person for the sake of your child/children. Be a role model, okay?
WHY: No one to blame for that person being their biological parent than you if it was consensual. At one time, you engaged in a physical relationship, whether you fell in love, were drunk, got married, didn’t know their name at the time… it doesn’t matter what that situation was, if you created a child/children out of said relationship, they are a product of… wait for it.. BOTH of you. YES, both of your DNA created this child/children. It takes two to tango and you were one of them, regardless of your intentions you made a baby. Now… if you think that you can just write that person out of their lives by being cold hearted, you are wrong. You may get away with it a little while if you are the mom, at least until the blood tests come back, but what does that really do in the grand scheme of things? If that other person WANTS to be part of their lives, LET THEM. Do you know how many kids don’t have a mother/father? For reasons other than the relationship went sour? Death, military, accidents, you name it they will NEVER know that other parent and here YOU are with a willing parent that WANTS to be part of their lives but you are playing cat and mouse on visitation, etc?? Who is really being impacted here? You? Not really because you are getting some kind of sick and twisted pleasure of putting the hurt on the other person… But get this… it doesn’t just affect that other person. If affects their families who ALSO love the child/children. AND most importantly, it affects the CHILD/CHILDREN. Even if they don’t appear to have any impact now… what are they gonna feel later when they see all these pictures and memories of gatherings past regardless of significance and they are not in them? All the person will be able to say to them is “Well, child name, it’s because your custodial parent wouldn’t let me have you during that time because it hurt me to keep you away.” Hmmm… pretty sure by that time, it could impact how they feel about YOU. Besides the fact that what goes around, comes around. If you won’t be flexible and let the other parent have the children for events in their lives that don’t fall on court ordered visitation, guess what the answer will be when YOU want them during THEIR visitation time? I am pretty sure if you are being petty… they are gonna say, “Uh, NO thank you.”
So, my service message is this… the holidays are upon us. Don’t be a DOUCHE!! Be a PARENT and a GOOD PARENT. If the other parent WANTS to be a part of your child/children’s life/lives – and I mean 100% in, not when they feel like it once every other year because that is a different kind of douche…. I mean that they REALLY care about the child/children… work out a schedule with them. BE a GROWN UP…. make good decisions that will create great childhood memories for them that are in their best interests and allows them to get to know BOTH of their parents and their families. It is NOT the child/children’s fault that you made a mistake, that you didn’t stay in love with that person. They are INNOCENT in this.. So again, don’t be a DOUCHE. Realize that you are LUCKY to have someone who didn’t have a child/children with you and leave you hanging! It doesn’t matter if they don’t pay as much child support as some other kids’ parents, or if they pay at all – maybe they can’t… Doesn’t MATTER!! A relationship is priceless and you are going to deny them that? They are the other parent and DESERVE a chance to be part of their lives. And the child/children DESERVE to have anyone that loves them/cares about them, be part of their lives… because it takes a VILLAGE to raise a child. And heaven help us, if you are being a jerk, that child/children will need a huge village to counteract your ignorance of their needs. We don’t need more people in the world that are douches like you.
Bottom Line – 1 person + 1 person sometimes equals 3 (or more!) If you are not equipped to deal with the issues that could arise if the relationship does not last… DON’T put yourself in a situation where pregnancy could happen!! USE protection.
If you still continue to be a douche, well, all I can say is… no one likes a douche. Probably not even your kids when they get older and realize what a smelly douche you are. Just sayin’. Besides, pretty sure that Santa doesn’t leave nice presents for douches. Pretty sure he poops in their stockings and their tree, and couch, driveway, cars, and pees in their milk jugs.
Both parents can’t have Christmas morning unless you get along well enough to be in the same room/house without vomiting due to your ill choices. If you can do that and share in the moment, that is awesome and high five kudos to you and your kid/kid’s other parent…. If you can’t, you are not alone, everyone has someone that they can’t stand to be around, it is just that not everyone has a child/children with that person. Relationships matter. Don’t rob your children of relationships that they were born with a right into. Be civil – it is such a better life than causing drama. Forgive and forget, everyone makes mistakes. Recognize that you both likely did stupid things and are both somewhat responsible for the relationship turning sour… and that you are both responsible for that kid/those kids!
DISCLAIMER: My parents are still married, I spent every holiday with them. I am still married to the father of my children and we spent each holiday as a family. I have seen family and friends be the recipient, and of being, the douche. It sucks either side. Don’t do that to your kids.
DISCLAIMER: I am making a general statement and aiming at children that were conceived out of consensual sex or via sperm donation clinic (after all you both chose to go that route, right?). The situation is different if it was a brutal rape type situation and there may be others I am not thinking of.
DISCLAIMER: Be a PARENT. And in that, I realize that there are some situations where this is not exactly in the child/children’s best interests… like if the other parent is a serial killer – yea.. you should probably not let them around that person and you probably should not be around the kids either.. At a minimum, you should like question your interviewing skills for potential sex partners. I mean, if you slept with a serial killer what does that say about the people you hang out with? And you lived, they didn’t kill you and they are a serial killer, so what is so wrong with you that the serial killer didn’t like, kill YOU? Are you that evil? lol. Seriously though, if you don’t think it is safe for them to be with them… have them get supervised visitation… be adult and discuss your fears and collaborate on a resolution. Give them both a chance to know each other. And being a parent means…. being involved in your child/children’s lives regardless of who their step siblings are, step parents, it doesn’t matter… Let them be part of their life!
DISCLAIMER: If you balk at the responsibility of your child/children by walking away and never contacting them again… newsflash for you… you are a douche too. And you don’t deserve time with that kid/those kids – they don’t need hurt again.
WARNING: If you are offended at this post, #sorrynotsorry. I gave a heads up that I used the word douche in the beginning, so if you are offended at this post, you are probably a #douche. It’s the only reason why you would be offended. No one gets pleasure out of keeping kids away from their parent to be a pain in the neck, except douches.
If you now recognize that you were a douche and your kid are now adults… all them and their other parent and apologize for being a douche. (Now, pick up the phone!)
Happy Holidays! Enjoy your family!
Lisa Leslie's blog 